My #1 Favorite Book To Recommend to Couples
As a couples therapist, I am frequently asked by my clients for recommendations on what additional things they could be doing to improve their relationship.
There is only one book (yes, just one) that I tend to recommend as my initial primer on all things relationships and it is:
I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age by Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, CGT.
While there are many other notable and worthwhile reads out there, I Want This to Work, is the clearest and most concise read I have found with practical exercises to get clients started.
Reasons why I love it:
It’s Concise: Coming in at 250 pages, it provides the most condensed (and yet still thorough) primer for couple’s related issues that I have found to date. We all have busy lives. I know for me personally, I do not have much spare time for reading, let alone lengthy reading.
It’s Relevant: I Want This To Work was written in 2021 so it is still relevant for modern families. There are several vignettes throughout the book that feature couples of various ages, genders, ethnicities, and abilities.
It’s Backed By Research: Drawing from research in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Attachment Theory, Bowenian Family Therapy, the Gottman Institute, the Doherty Relationship Institute, and Internal Family Systems, this book synthesizes data points from the leaders in relational therapy.
And last but not least, it’s Interactive: Within each chapter there are spots where it asks the reader to pause and reflect. These reflective sections lead up to guided, interactive prompts that you can utilize with your partner. And throughout the book, the author shares “Pro-Tips” that you can incorporate into your daily life.
My Suggestion on How to Use the Book:
My suggestion on how to use the book (if financially feasible) is to get one copy of the book per partner in the relationship. The reason being is so that each partner can read the book at their own pace and complete the individual reflections on their own but come together for the conjoint discussions at the end of each chapter.
Within this book you will learn about and explore:
The stages of development in romantic relationships
Common negative cycles of interaction that can takeover a relationship
The attachment gold standard of “Interdependence”
Anxious, avoidant, and mixed attachment strategies
Your internal working models
How to identify and articulate your needs
The mental load that frequently appears in relationships &
Becoming familiar with the “Four Horsemen” of relationships and their antidotes
So if you’re ready to make changes and you want a clear guide on how to do it this book is for you!
Other Notable Books to Mention:
Other notable mentions that a lot of folks have mentioned enjoying that I have read snippets of are:
Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson
Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
Love Sense and Hold Me Tight are often regarded as the two Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy primer books. They are a tad longer and filled with additional activities and vignettes that couples can utilize.
If you have any questions or if you found this book helpful, please feel free to let me know and share this blog with others!
